Why?

I am so frustrated right now. Why are people so nuts sometimes and not other times? Is there a full moon out tonight? Just kidding. Anyway. I am overwhelmed right now and I am going to just blog it all out and try to let it go, yes, let it go! So, we have this youth group. It would take too long to write all of our philosophies and what has gone on and is going on, but it is a family style bible study for teens. They love it (I think) and it is normally pretty dang awesome. Not awesome because Jason is a great teacher, or the burgers are delicious, or lots of kids are coming. Those are all true, but it is awesome because we see God in these kids, we see God teaching them, being their eternal 'burger' (bread of life), and they are sharing with their friends and their friends are coming. This is the true wonderfulness. So normally, kids play games, there is a little horsing around but not too much, talking, music, laughing and just hanging, BBQ every week, eat together, pray, read the Word and talk about it. It is usually just so awesome. Not one person usually dominates, but usually everyone is talking, sharing. Tuesdays, 2 kids come over to 'prepare' the lesson for Thursday, so it is the direction they saw and what God showed them as we studied the scriptures.

Tonight was not flowing and cohesive. It was chaotic. There was physical fighting, name calling, crying, disobedience, disrespect, there was very little listening, I felt SO defeated. I wanted to just drive everyone home and say- it's over, we are done. We didn't, we had a 'talk', which seemed kind of pointless, kids were really quiet the rest of the night. They did get into the lesson a little more, then we did have a record number of kids pray. That was the real highlight.

I do not know the reason. My heart just wanted to share how I felt, so disrespected, our home disrespected, the 'safe' place we have always wanted it to be was not safe anymore. Kids were hurt. Multiple kids even had tears. It is a double whammy because we had one new girl, she must have thought us to be a bunch of psychos, and one girl that is moving and it was her last study. She and I cried and hugged. I will miss her so much. Talia, I love you! So much went array tonight. Jason and I did not even feel like we were on the same page. Then our traits start coming out, how I handle conflicts and commotion is WAY different than he handles it. He just gets quiet, hones in on one or two things. I am more the bull that wants to handle the masses. There were so many 'fires' to put out I was trying to tame them like beasts. (They were more like beasts that spoke Chinese or something, because they did not understand or hear me at all). One of the other suckiest things is that our friend that we had told all about how 'great' our youth group was came for the first time. We told him all about how it is such a great, steady and lovely group of kids who are hungry for God. Then he sees wild beasts who are only hungry to be major stinkers and very disrespectful. I felt bad for the few that were not, they were good kids, and just did not know how to even respond in such an environment.

I will try and process this. I am welling up with tears thinking about it again. It was just not them, or what they normally are. It makes me think of what God thinks when we are like that, acting totally different than what he created us to do. The love is stifled and not even apparent in us, and we are selfish and rude. That must be one of the reasons he grieves. The sadness to see his children that he loves, that he knows he made better, more loving, more sincere.

I am grieving over this at this moment, as 'high' as it can feel when God is rockin in this place, kids are growing and just being bomb, it can be that 'low' when they all leave after they were so obstinate. Bye for now.